Calculator?

April 4th, 2020| Topic: RaMbLeS | 0

Somebody asked on Reddit the other day:

How do you barter toilet paper?”

One person helpfully suggested:

This way: ‘I have 3 rolls of toilet paper. Willing to trade for a bottle of rubbing alcohol, your first-born child, or your house.’”

It’s gotten a lot more sophisticated than in the Middle Ages, though. Social networks like Facebook and Nextdoor are offering eggs for toilet paper.

A Twitter poll asked how many cans of beer a single roll of paper is worth. The most popular answer was two or three cans.

Chell Garvin of Springfield, Missouri, 50, contacted a friend on Facebook, and exchanged an 18-count carton of eggs for two double rolls. Said Ms. Gavin:

She cooks a lot, and she said she can’t find eggs anywhere. But she had TP!”

Yup, we need supplies. Including TP. But how much do we need?

Well, there’s just the tool for you on www.howmuchtoiletpaper.com.

Created by two enterprising gentlemen in London, Ben Sassoon and Sam Harries, this site will calculate how long your stash of TP will last.

It’s all very straightforward. Enter in the rolls you have, how many times you visit the potty and, if you scroll to “Advanced Options,” you can get even more detailed and customized estimations of your TP usage, based on number of wipes per trip, number of sheets per wipe, not to mention number of sheets per roll, and number of people in your house.

(I’m good for about 200 days. But then I’m single. And try not to eat a lot. Hey, how about bartering a roll for a CD—Bach? Keith Jarrett? Hilliard Ensemble? Takers?)

I and another 4,999,999 people have used this TP calculator according to the website. And guess what?

The average user has 500% more toilet paper than they need for quarantine. Not everyone is able to get to a store and stock up on toilet roll. Don’t be selfish.”

Jesus said:

“Do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink;
nor for your body, as to what you will put on.
Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns [nor use TP],
and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not worth much more than they?
And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?
And why are you worried about clothing?
Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,
yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.
But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today
and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? …
Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’
or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ [or ‘Will we have enough TP?’] …
For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
Matthew 6:25–33

Take the advice of Jesus and the Newport, OR, Police Department (on Facebook)_:

It’s hard to believe that we even have to post this. Do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper. You will survive without our assistance.”

We will!

SOURCES:
CNN; Bloomberg.com